pro·fern·ity

The reason I haven't posted in 12 weeks is that there really hasn't been much news from NZ Cricket-Land.

Well, nothing that I want to acknowledge anyway.

First of all, losing to Bangladesh in an ODI.  I thought that was the format we were supposed to be good at.

Then losing to NSW-B.  I have to live in this bankrupt and decrepit state guys, don't make the experience worse by losing to its cricketing representatives.

And finally capitulating to Australia.  This last point wouldn't have seemed so bad a few days ago, but being the cocktease she is, the Black Caps got my hopes up by bowling well and dismissing AUS for 214 in the first innings.  Of course I should have realised that in the past year of test matches, it's always been the batting that's the problem, not the bowling.

This all sounds pretty dreadful and difficult to deal with, right?  WRONG. 

I am a Black Caps supporter.  Painful disappointment is simply a baseline.  Only truly agonising events like the 4th day of the 2nd Test vs England leave scars.  And even then they're only covering older scars, so I know eventually this scar will inevitably be replaced by something equally horrible in the future.

But there is always hope.  Hope has a name.  His name is Jesse Ryder.

I have come to the conclusions that the reason why NZ keep falling over in the third innings of a test is that they really don't believe they can win.

Is it alright to be underdogs, perennial underdogs, constantly told you're useless, uncompetitive, a waste of time, untalented ("workmanlike") and so on?  In small doses, they say it can really get you fired up.  Well that's what everyone thinks NZ does.  But the sheer volume of negative attribution directed towards the teams makes me wonder whether in fact the criticism is being accepted psychologically as fact.

Tell a child he is bad enough times and he will become bad just to prove you right.

In a roundabout way, I reckon what's happened in the Second Test at Old Trafford (and at Napier too) is a case of a team so used to losing that they went mental when they were finally handed with a large first innings lead.  And proceeded to prove their critics right because they don't think they can win.

So how can this be fixed?  I don't know.  There's no hope in hell in getting newspaper hacks to shut up.  The only way I feel is that NZ needs to fluke some Test Matches and kickstart some semblance of confidence.

NZ has managed to organise another second innings collapse.  All out for 114.

It's good that I can predict the course of matches between England and NZ so accurately, that means I won't have to watch them.

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WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME NEW ZEALAND?!?!?!?!

Am I a closet masochist?

Because you keep hurting me, and yet I keep supporting you.

What is it about the second innings that has you spooked?

I see this morning Iain O'Brien proclaiming that a chase of 294 is difficult for Eng and he is sure NZ will "come out on top".

What a n00b.  Hello, Mr O'Brien, I'd like to introduce you to the NZ Cricket Team.  You guys shook hands two days ago, remember?

Oh dear, it looks like the Team has fallen over in its eager attempt to shake your hand again.  Those scamps are just too excited about Test Cricket, see, so any sniff of a victory is altogether too much to handle.

I want to cry, but I'm still angry.  Over this, and over the fact that Lewis Hamilton won the Monaco GP, with Raikkonen finishing 9th.

Looks like I'll actually have to go to work then.

 

...and that it was mostly done by How, Oram and Flynn, not just McCullum and Vettori like always.

The challenge now is to get these five to do this in unison on a regular basis, then perhaps NZ could be challenging for wins instead of salvaging draws like we perpetually do.  Even this latest success is really only two innings of top order collapses followed by middle-order stoicism.  Although I suppose the last couldn't be described as a typical NZ second-innings collapse per se, simply because it included McCullum's forearm injury, and we know two things: McCullum only retired hurt, and came back for a couple of boundaries; and we all know typical NZ injuries are often unusual, like running over your own foot with a luggage trolley, or losing all nerve sensation in your arm due to complications from an ear infection; or injuring your foot playing head-volleyball with team mates.

Nevertheless, a draw?  I'll take it.  Hell, I'll take a 0-0 series washed out by rain.

And yet the English media continue to overhype their team when the reality is that although they are favourites, it's not such a wide gap between the two teams.  Methinks they are focusing too much on the Ashes in 2009 when they have serious problems right here and now.  Like how they can't seem to bowl out NZ.  Mills, Southee and Martin are not paragons of batting.  Sidebottom is inconsistent.  Let go of Flintoff, it's not fair to pin all your hopes on a tall and heavy fast bowler with a propensity for injury (*cough* Bond *cough*).  Broad and Panesar are not troubling NZ batsmen as much as they'd like to think.  They have lost Test series recently, and yet they continue to talk about this magical plan where all the issues they have right now are merely little bumps in the road, and the team will be hardened up and ready for Australia.  Give me a break. England are kidding themselves if they think they are in anyway competitive enough for Australia.

I should have known better than to expect NZ to carry out a test match properly.  After Scoring 470 in the first innings, then extracting England for 348, they go and do this.

Collapse to 8/147 by the end of the fourth day.  Seriously WTF.  I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up, I know that now.  How could I have forgotten that NZ has played a total of 4 tests in 2 years, only to be horrifically murdered by SA (see previous post), and unconvincingly defeat  Bangladesh.  And that performance was only two months ago.

I have said previously that to support the Black Caps is to experience dizzying highs and the lowest of lows.  I think this may be one of the numerous lows.  If England win tomorrow...

Given NZ's horrific massacre in South Africa last year, I was ready to accept the general consensus that England would steamroll NZ in all three forms of cricket this year.  And then England goes and does this.

OK, you lost 3-1 in the ODIs, I suppose the ICC rankings reflect this result, even though at least half of the NZ team which produced this ranking have retired/run off to the IPL and ICL.  But if that's the case, then the test rankings point towards NZ death.  And yet as I type this, in the first test at Hamilton, NZ have scored 470 in their first innings (RR 3.66), which is far above anyone's expectations of what this team could achieve.

FIne, so the pitch is an absolute road, and a score of 450-500 is par for the course.  Then what explanation is there for England's performance?  Right now, they are 5/204 heading towards tea on Day 3, at a run rate of 2.02.  They still need 66 runs to avoid the follow on.  The snail's pace at which they are going clearly signals a team which is only aiming not to lose, rather than aiming to win.  They just want a draw, and that's a disgrace.  Not because draws are unsatisfactory, but to target a draw from the beginning of the third day?  Where is the desire to win?  Isn't this supposed to be the team that could bat and bowl themselves to 3-0 series win over a truly ramshackle lineup of Kiwi players?

Alright, now they're 5/211.  Still, just avoiding the follow on isn't going to achieve much if they are batting so slowly as to extend their 1st innings into the fourth day.  Outrageous.

Almost forgot to provide a wrapup of Cricinfo's commentary for the Eng v NZ ODI series.  Here's a few choice gems:

1ST ODI

0.3	Mills to Cook, no run, a good length outside off. Cook leaves it alone
Some of his team-mates (or do I mean us, the media?) call him the handbrake...

"Andy reports a steady stream of people going past his lighting shop including kids with a crate of beer. So the ground should starting filling up, albeit with legless teenagers."

"Mustard's pads look like a pair of pillows. What a winner"

'You know you're covering a New Zealand game when people like Monkey write in. "I am a monkey pirate who has travelled across the mighty seas," he says, "and I must say that your commentary is some of the best I have ever read." Thank you very much indeed. Wibble.'

"Thanks Will. Rather oddly, like a pregnant woman with an weird food fetish, he has disappeared to make himself some porridge. As you do when you are watching cricket. My wife ate coal when she was expecting. Anyhow, a solid start by England and predictions that this would be a run fest have so far proved optimistic. Powerplay No. 2 signalled."

28.1	Vettori to Shah, no run, punched out to cover
28.2	Vettori to Shah, no run, punched to point
I can't stop saying punched

32.5	Vettori to Swann, 1 leg bye, down the pitch, he pads it away and Vettori roars an appeal for lbw. Shah calls him through for a single; Swann forgets to listen and sends Shah back, but Shah's already too far down the pitch so here comes Swann...and here comes the throw, but it's wide
Sorry if that last ball doesn't make any sense

5.6	Anderson to Ryder, no run, powerfully punched to point
Super piece of alliteration there. Really marvellous stuff from me