pro·fern·ity

I wonder if Matthew Hayden and Andrew Symonds have some sort of good-cop-bad-cop deal going on. 

First Andrew Symonds and the Monkey/Maa-ki-gate business, Haydos is all like, "It's racial vilification mate.  It's a shit word and you know it".  Good cop: Hayden.

Then he goes on radio and makes his "noxious weed comments".  Bad cop: Hayden.

Then this week, with Brendon McCullum's recruitment into the SpeedBlitz Blues (Why not just call yourselves the NSW Pigs?), Symonds is all philosophical-like, talking about how it's unAustralian and he doesn't understand how it's all going to turn out.  Good cop: Symonds.

And then he goes on radio and talks massive lumps of cow-dirt about how McCullum will be perceived as the villain, and how he needs the grace of Haydo's wife to help the food go down.  Buried within his rant is a salient point about how mercenary this whole 20/20 business has become, but it's so poorly expressed that it's not worth mentioning.  Bad cop: Symonds.

Then, Hayden comes out of the blue with generous words of sympathy about the state of NZ Cricket and how they are being screwed over by the ICC/BCCI.  Good cop: Hayden.

I am thoroughly confused by these two, they seem to have gotten their roles mixed up.  One's always supposed to be the bad cop, the other the good cop.  In any case, one is retired, the other close to it.  Let's hope they can sort this out before they begin their inevitable commentary jobs.

Let me place my opinions on the IPL on the table right now, and we'll see whether my concerns prove correct in the future.

1.  Poor organisation and planning will be its downfall.  DO NOT visit the official IPL website.  OTOH, it does encapsulate the ramshackle feel of the IPL, despite the millions of dollars thrown around.  As I understand, some of the players have not been paid yet.  Lalit Modi sometimes comes out with pronouncements about shifting the timeframe of the tournament to suit which ever country he wants to please.  Now England wants to establish a 20/20 competition of its own.  Are these competitions going to involve international players, or will we see individual countries hold their own comps, leading into a Champions-League style competition afterwards.  Then where do ODIs and Tests fit in?  Should they have to be shoehorned in around 20/20, or should it be the prerogative of the newcomer to fit itself around established timetables?  Do we still want ODIs anyway?  Do we need a 20/20 World Cup?  Despite these questions, we've already had two ICL championships, and the IPL is underway.  Somewhere along the line, some player is going to get in a contractual dispute that exposes the mismanagement that I'm sure is going on.

2. You can't have a 44-day tournament for matches that only last 3 hours.  That's far too many matches to maintain a high level of interest.  As with ODIs, 20/20 has to feature close matches or else it feels like a complete waste of time, even if it is a much shorter format.  And it you're going to have lots of matches, there's a high probability that many of them will be dead rubbers, given the significant possibility that a team collapses trying to slog everything.

3.  To those who say 20/20 is not cricket...it is.  It uses most of the same rules as ODIs, without the stupid Powerplays.  In fact, ODIs should be done away with entirely, as 20/20 satisfies the same aims, with less of the boring periods normally seen in ODIs.  If one team collapsed in an ODI, be prepared for a long day.  Now Test cricket is another beast entirely.  There is absolutely no comparison, and I think cricketing nations still have more than enough respect for Test cricket that I don't see it being eclipsed by 20/20 at all.  What will happen, though, is that there will still be your blockbusters like the Ashes, India/South Africa/Pakistan/Australia tours.  But the smaller, more poorly-performing nations will be left high and dry.  Perhaps there becomes a 2nd tier of Test cricket competition, comprising of NZ, WI, Bangladesh and maybe Zimbabwe or Kenya.  I'm not saying it's good.  But there's no way the ICC, or the strong Test nations, will tolerate the burden of severe mismatches such as NZ v RSA last year.

You live in a country like Australia, you get used to naive bravado from the masses regarding their expectations of their "sporting heroes".  *points finger* That's right, mate, I'm talking about you.  Think I don't see you pump your fists when Australia pummel intimidated opposition?
The mentality of this country can be simply summarised in one l33t-speak sentence: "OZ is like da best country evar! evry1 else is shit! kthnxbai."

Contrast this with the state of affairs after the 2nd ODI in the series Eng v NZ.  The problem, as I see it, is that Eng had some positive results leading up to the series, so the English media suddenly got this idea in their heads that it was now safe to start carrying out some pre-series gloating, Aus-style.  Don't get to do it very often, after all. 

But there is a reason why no one else does any gloating, and that's because the stats don't back it up.  Well, give them some credit, after the 20/20s it really looked like NZ's situation was going to be in fact as dire as predicted.  But the truth is that England are as fragile as NZ, and we now have a series as intense and involving as Aus v India.  However, while that series was about skill, brinksmanship and cricketing excellence, Eng v NZ is a thoroughly absorbing contest between two teams (and their fans) battling it out to see who could be more inept.  The shocking inconsistency in both areas of batting and fielding has resulted in this series being quite unpredictable, which in itself is a major factor in raising my interest in the game.  Sure, the skills on display are a little wanting, but who doesn't enjoy a good implosion (except when it's your team)?  And we've had lots so far - two by NZ in the T20s, now two by England in the ODIs.

However, the worrying thing is that the overall results are going to form, in a sense.  England has played far more T20s than NZ, and it shows.  NZ is ranked third in ODIs, England seventh, and it shows.  Going by that, all signs point towards a complete trouncing of NZ in the tests.  That is, unless England decide they'd like to self-destruct then as well...

ICC WC Super Eights: Australia v England at North Sound, Apr 8, 2007

08.40
A balmy good morning/afternoon to you all, wherever you might be. Lo, it is me, Will Luke, ready and able (ish) to take you through the first few overs of today's match. And it ought to be a belter, not to mention vital - can England do a Bangladesh on Australia? What a match yesterday's was. Either way, Jenny Thompson is waiting in the wings with feverish excitement - in fact, we're all up for today's game, like kids at Christmas. Talking of such festiveness, happy Easter to you all, if that's your bag. I received absolutely nothing for my Easter - not an egg in sight - so if anyone wishes to send some to Cricinfo Towers, none of us will object (apart from Thompson who's on a wedding diet. A Wediet, if you like). Andrew Gnasher McGlashan - for that is his full title - will be concocting regular bulletin updates for you, and generally we'll be keeping you up to date with proceedings...and hopefully keeping you amused at the same time. Anyway, drop us a line to say hello.

08.50
No news yet. But we're expecting it very shortly. It's all massive and we trust you're as excited as we are. I've even begun my (damn fine) Bill Lawry impersonations. Usually this is reserved for the rather painful middle overs, but I thought I'd roll him out for the opening. Enough frivolity. Go forth and email.

****************

Disaster has struck Cricinfo HQ with the muffling news that our email is broken. Worry not. We have a fresh supply of peanuts to feed the hamster, and the wheel will be turning again soon.

09.20
Ten measly minutes to go. Get out your chips, beer, tea and whatever else you need. Plug in your laptops. Kick out the dog. We're nearly ready here.

"Dear Cricinfo. Do you know how good it feels to know we are going to win our fourth World Cup?" writes Michael, a retiring, cautiously optimistic Aussie. "While all the other nations wish, they could win it, we know we ARE going to win it. No previews, reviews, post mortems needed. We aren't the world champs for nothing.England bye bye and again good riddens." It's riddance, Michael, but thanks for the sentiments nevertheless. 

(profernity says to yet another dumb Aussie sports nut: How about you first learn to spell before spewing your arrogant pronouncements in a published email, you uncouth retard.)

And another good over for Australia. Good start this. Botham is off on one again. He now wants KP at 3. Vaughan at 7. Flintoff opening. Bopara, somewhere. Oh I don't know. Something like that.

If batsman are going to charge bowlers - by cash, cheque or credit - then they might as well "go big", and attack

And there's Prince Harry in the crowd, with his girlfriend. Not a clue who she is, but. Yes. Well there she is, on display as it were.

Ah, trust Jenno to know who Prince Harry's girl is. "It's Chelsy Davy," she cries. Terrific surname, albeit not very royal.

I wonder if Prince Harry's got lost, Jenny ponders, on his way to Iraq. Nice place to get lost

I bought two packs of bananas before coming into work today. And they really are spectacularly bananary

Ah, look who it is. It's Glenn McGrath. They've taken the blanket off and wheeled him out

Happy Easter, or a plain old happy Sunday... and it's nearly time (and is time in some cases) to say happy Monday to all you body-clock defying Aussies in Ausland. Hello. I didn't find any Easter eggs hidden in my garden, sadly, but then again I don't have a garden. Speaking of stingy, Bracken and Tait had been fairly Easter-bunny-like out there at the ZhVivian Stadium (as everyone insists upon calling it), but they're clearly going after the young rookie McGrath.


11.6  McGrath to Pietersen, no run, bouncer, of course, and Pietersen stands tall as he can - which is pretty tall - to pull that off one leg to midwicket. Oh, he didn't get hold of it, but he did wrap his tongue around a few words and McGrath's giving it back. 

Kevin and Glenn and their little tiffs, bless them

And that's drinks. "Aliens have taken over Ian Bell's body!" reports Simon from New Zealand. "Attacking, free-scoring aliens!"

May the English never lose their unique sense of humour.


Cricket World Cup

Pakistan vs. Ireland - 18-03-07
--------------------------------------

The Irish have started singing. If my experiences in Dublin are anything to go by, they won't stop for about 12 hours, win or lose.

19.6 Azhar Mahmood to Porterfield, no run, speared into Porterfield's midriff, Mahmood follows through and the batsman and bowler exchange some opinions on life in general and that delivery in particular

27.1 Mohammad Sami to KJ O'Brien, no run, short and followed with a hard stare. This is the kind of bowling guaranteed to get the umpires consulting about the light
Jerling signals for some sawdust. O'Brien signals for a torch.

Stay tuned for more weather updates. I always wanted to work for the Met Office ... we have a warm front passing over Kingston and all that ...

The rain might relent but the light is poor and unless that gets better there will be no more cricket. The Irish crowd are celebrating, but they would celebrate the grass growing, so don't read too much into that. My wife is also celebrating as she wants me to pick up some food on my way home. She'll have to wait a while yet.

Qaisar emails: "Commentators: Please identify yourself. What nationality are you guys? Going by your bias towards Pakistan, it's not difficult to guess though!" Aha ... you've caught us out there. We are English ... but everyone loves an underdog ...

Danish emails: "English commentators! I hope Kenya and Canada give you guys the beating of your lives, then tell me you're with the underdogs!" Taking it like a man ...


England vs. NZ - 16.03.07
-------------------------------------

9.45am Utter confusion in St Lucia. First of all the captains forgot to change teamsheets before the toss, and then it emerged that TV were working from a predicted side and not the actual one, and so while they all pontificated about the wisdom of Stephen Fleming leaving out the second spinner, Jeetan Patel was in the XI all along. Cue red faces and hurried apologies from the experts ...

For all those who logged on to 3D ... apologies. It's not working. Apparently the hamster that drives the generator has pulled a muscle. We are working on finding another rodent and will tell you all when it's back and running. Sorry ...

15.6 Panesar to Oram, 1 run, "Cath it" (sic) thayth Nixon through hith mouth guard as Oram gets off the mark with a thweep

"On your comments on Nixon with the mouth guard," emails knowsnotmuch. "We should hear Nixon say Scott Styris. Would be Thkott Thyrith." This is what I have been handed on by Jennifer.

20.2 Plunkett to Styris, no run, again Styris stands tall and punches the ball straight back down the pitch. Nixon rabbits incessantly to nobody in particular

20.6 Plunkett to Styris, no run, driven off the pad and then bat into the covers, Plunkett starts to appeal and checks, producing a strange gurgling noise

Back to Herschelle Gibbs and his six sixes ... shortly before filing for bankruptcy, Johnnie Walker issued this statement: "Johnnie Walker is absolutely delighted by the inspirational and pioneering feat that was today realised by Herschelle Gibbs.

"Diageo, the parent company of Johnnie Walker, along with Sir Vivian Richards, our "Know Your Boundaries" responsible drinking ambassador, couldn't be more thrilled with donating US$1 million to Habitat for Humanity in our efforts to enrich the Caribbean community. We offer our sincere congratulations to Herschelle Gibbs for this amazing accomplishment...keep walking."

Long discussion about the ball, several players eyeing it as if it was a live grenade. The umpires, clad in rather fetching light brown, are far less impressed.

25.3 Anderson to Oram, FOUR, a let off for Oram, edged through what would have been first slip's gullet. Anderson is back to take wickets, so surely Vaughan should be attacking?
25.4 Anderson to Oram, 1 run, paddled into space on the off
Horse, bolted etc. We now have a slip.

34.3 Panesar to Oram, no run, exaggerated forward defensive shot. "Find some pink, go for the strawberry," says Nixon. He has clearly not taken his tablets today ... mad as a fruit



**********************************************************
Quotes of the week:

"Anchor David Gower crowbarring in tedious references to calypso music, island paradises and Bob Marley. I've yet to hear him mention rum, rice and peas, or cannabis, but we're only a couple of days in; give him time."
Sky Sports' coverage of the World Cup comes under fire in The Guardian

"Doing a few raids on gang houses wasn't particularly nice and mortuary stuff wasn't great. There were a few dead bodies along the line. It puts everthing into perspective. If you get hit for four, you get hit for four."
Shane Bond recounts his career as a cop

"Watching cricket is one of the best ways of avoiding working known to man."
A study by the Centre for Economics and Business Research (CEBR) has warned that the British economy could lose 270 million pounds over the next two months, due to World Cup absenteeism.

They'll try to steal your life
So watch your back
You're not alone
But you must actualise
The first attack

Best lyrics ever (maybe...at least the best I've heard in a while). Anyway, moving on.

Did I mention in an earlier post that I would do anything to see Australia lose? Well, that time has finally arrived, and isn't it sweet. The handwringing, the fingerpointing, the patriotic denials, it all happened immediately after Australia's last loss to New Zealand, as I said it would. Now all of a sudden people are thinking they can't win the World Cup.

And to lose 3-0 to New Zealand, that was my best-case scenario. I suppose I should be looking over my back more often as I may have blown all my good luck on this one event.

But then again, eczema still rules my face, so perhaps the universe has already balanced itself out.

Yet another batting collapse. To go from 3/205 to 8/246 in the space of seven overs, it hurt me when I watched it happen, even though it shouldn't since I expect this to happen everytime the NZ cricket team play.
I suppose the initial good start gave everyone hope that perhaps this time, things were going to be different, but no, they soon rectified the situation with careless batting, a lack of urgency when it mattered, and just overall incompetence.

And it hurts even more because they could have had a chance to actually defeat Australia. God, what I would give to see Australia experience a good long losing streak, guaranteed to send the entire nation into mourning, handwringing panic, and then inevitably angry finger-pointing exercises. I don't even care what sport it occurs in - although I would very much prefer it if it happened in cricket because everyone seems to accept cricketing success as an adequate substitute for genuine socio-economic progression.

I eagerly anticipate the day Australia stops winning sporting contests.

The British have this amazing capacity to phrase their rants and complaints in an elegant and vividly descriptive manner which puts Australians to shame. It is their native language, after all, I suppose it should be no surprise they would have such a good grasp of it. Australians are famous for their liberal use of profanities in between non-specific terms as if it's OK to ramble on about nothing until the rant naturally peters out, as the Australian exhuasts his 10-word vocabulary...you know what I bloody mean...those pommy bastards, think they can come here and make up all sorts of posh words like "conscience" and "empathy" and "thinking" just to confuse us Aussies...well who needs words like that when the only words you need in this country are 'good', 'bad', 'evil (foreigners)', 'Aussie (hero)', 'un-Australian' - sometimes I write that last word on the back of my hand because long words baffle me, I write it how I pronounce it (unostrayan) - you know, and anyone who doesn't like retarded speech can very bloody well go back to where they came from...bloody.

Anyway this whole rant stemmed from the insanely brilliant online live cricket commentary by Cricinfo and BBC. For the uninitiated, these websites employ a small group of people who type up ball-by-ball commentaries of cricket matches. That's a *lot* of typing. Luckily, these commentaries are made lovingly by humans, and consequently there's this sense of human personality infused into the typed text, even though they are basically anonymous people. Combine cricket boredom with the unique British sense of humour, and you get some classic quotes. The following are excerpts from a single match - England vs New Zealand, 30.01.07:


ENG vs. NZ - 30.01.07 (Andrew Miller - English online commentator from cricinfo.com)
---------------------------------------------------------------
</i>Good morning and welcome to our commentary on the ninth match of the CB Series between England and New Zealand. Given that both sides have been regularly and roundly thrashed by the Australians, this game is likely to decide who goes through to the best-of-three finals ...where they will in all likelihood be hammered again.

0.1 Plunkett to Vincent, 1 wide, not the best of starts, started wide and swung wider, a groan across the cold and dark United Kingdom and an easy decision for the umpire

...

3.4 Tremlett to Vincent, no run, slightly straighter, still wide enough to leave, but the in-house close cordon react as if it was the ball of the century

...

The cameras have just zoomed in on the Barmy Army. Well, what's left of them. They look like the remnants of Napoleon's troops after the retreat from Moscow ... there are about ten of them ... meanwhile cheers as Monty Panesar comes into the attack.

...

20.5 Panesar to Taylor, no run, beats the outside edge and Nixon whips the bails off ... Steve Davis not interested and Nixon then suggests he calls for the third umpire
And he was right! Taylor lifted his foot in the air just as the bails came off. That was actually out but Davis got grumpy at Nixon's suggestion and didn't refer it.

...

And straight from a hefty shopping session on credit card, it's Jenny Thompson for the last time in this series.

Hello everyone. Thanks Martin and Mastercard. Vincent and Taylor are both well set for some big scores here. A good platform for New Zealand, then, and at this rate they'll be looking to push 300-plus. One of you, and that's you Cam Pepper, has been very cynical and suggested New Zealand should declare now. Naughty.

...

Flintoff's eating an ice cream on the balcony, he and Vaughan having a cone each. Nixon tucking in to a mini-tub, like he's at the cinema. Bit of a horror show for England in the field earlier, what entertainment can their batsmen cook up?

...

And that's drinks as Andrew Miller bounds in brandishing coffees and pastries aplenty for us. Good man. Even better man - here he is for a commentary stint

Morning all. What an improbably competent start from England

Mike Scanlon starts promisingly enough: "New opener - inspired, or Hobson's Joyce?
Will Strauss waltz towards his first international 50 in ages in a middle order for whom Bell toils?"

...

Decent stuff from England, dare one say it

Here comes Jenny's favourite slug-balancer for another spell. It's Daniel Vettori

...

Jenny points out it's her second-favourite slug-balancer, after our club captain, George Frankland, of course

...

Jon Lewis, bad ankle and all, has just run out with the drinks ...

...

"Defended" ... I seem to be writing that a lot at the moment. But sums it up really. England are being incredibly cagey. Incidentally, they need 254 to prevent New Zealand getting the bonus point

...

35.2 Vettori to Flintoff, OUT, bowled round his legs! Flintoff stepped across his stumps to work the ball into space, but didn't make contact! Oh dear. Captain, your ship is sinking
A Flintoff b Vettori 13 (22b 0x4 0x6) SR: 59.09

"Sinking?" What am I talking about? It's a veritable U-boat, and everyone's got cabin fever

...

38.2 McMillan to Dalrymple, no run, worked to point this time. It's as flat as England's Ashes-victory champagne

...

38.5 McMillan to Dalrymple, 1 run, pushed back down the pitch. I don't think England have the remotest idea of how to play this

...

39.2 Patel to Nixon, 1 run, a big stride, and driven for another single. I suppose they all count ...

39.3 Patel to Dalrymple, no run, missed that ball, I'm afraid. Though judging by the lack of run, so did the batsman

39.4 Patel to Dalrymple, no run, he definitely missed that one. Another attempted reverse-sweep. There are two men lurking for the stroke, but that hardly seems to matter

39.5 Patel to Dalrymple, FOUR, good grief, a boundary! But it came courtesy of a misfield at third man, which seems entirely appropriate

39.6 Patel to Dalrymple, 1 bye, another miss, but this time by the keeper. Thrilling error-strewn stuff

Ten overs to go, and England are just 133,333,435,500 runs from victory with four wickets in hand

...

McMillan has a mischievous grin on his face, as well he might. The umpires are examining the ball, and it looks like it's going to be changed.

Sure enough, the umpires reach into the clever little hatch in the outfield, and pull out a selection. It's hardly likely to be damage caused by England's brutal strokeplay. Maybe the seam has worn out

...

42.3 McMillan to Plunkett, 1 run, blimey! I think he middled that one! But his placement leaves a little to be desired. Cover intercepts and there's no run

...

43.1 Vettori to Nixon, 1 run, "Contortionist Cricket!" intones David Lloyd, as Nixon goes for that wretched reverse-sweep. Just thwack it!

...

"Hit out or get out!" as we used to yell to our Boycottesque opener at school. This is beyond dismal

...

44.2 McMillan to Nixon, 1 run, one more, one more. The asking-rate is a mere 13333.45 per ball
44.4 McMillan to Nixon, SIX, oh dear oh dear! James Franklin hops onto his unicycle and dons a clown's nose at long-on, as he drops a sitter and tips it over the rope for six!
44.3 McMillan to Plunkett, 1 run, England's game of pass-the-parcel continues!
44.6 McMillan to Nixon, 2 runs, that's actually a remarkably good over for England. Still way behind their required rate, but whatever

...

John, who describes himself as "an Australian fan" writes: "You guys suck..the standard of text commentating has been poor on this site for the past year. Just comment on the shots and what happens on the field. Keep your stupid, unfunny thoughts to yourselves." Thanks, John. So unfunny that he keeps reading it despite being unamused for a year

...

49.6 Bond to Nixon, OUT, short, swung into the leg-side, Jacob Oram dives forward and clings onto a blinder! And that is a suitably anticlimatic end to another desperate performance
PA Nixon c Oram b Bond 49 (47b 2x4 2x6) SR: 104.25 </i>


ENG vs NZ - BBC Live Online Commentary By Tom Fordyce
---------------------------------------------------------

</i>0420 GMT: I tell you what - you haven't experienced true joy until you've woken up at 3.30am and cycled through the dark, cold, deserted streets of London to get to work just so you can watch Jamie Dalrymple and the boys get busy against New Zealand in an utterly meaningless one-day biff-boff.

3rd over: NZ 22-0
Lou Vincent - who should be a grizzled country singer from Alabama with a name like that - clips Plunkett through midwicket for an eye-pleaser of a four. Just the five extras so far - excellent work, England.

4th over: NZ 23-0
Better from Son of Tim - just the one wide, and Lou can't get him away. If you're wondering why a man would be called Lou, the name is apparently of German origin. Sounds a bit girly to be Teutonic, if you ask me.

7th over: NZ 39-1
Zut alors - Ian Bell gathers Fulton's back-foot drive at cover, needlessly has a pop at the stumps at the bowler's end and then watches aghast as the ball disappears for four overthrows. Plunkett sinks to the ground and puts his hand over his eyes. I know how he feels.

10th over: NZ 58-2
Mixed bag from Tremmers - a wide and leg-bye, but also a couple of nice ones just short of a length which have Ross Taylor groping like a lecherous boss at a Christmas party.

From David Peck, TMS inbox: "An utterly meaningless one-day biff-boff? You clearly don't work with a bunch of Kiwis in Dunedin."

12th over: NZ 71-2
Freddie brings himself into the attack, and Taylor - who always looks like a champagne player in the making - flicks him to fine leg for four. David Peck - I seem to remember there's a little shop in Dunedin, just down the hill from that main roundabout on top of the hill, which sells laughing-gas at a very reasonable rate. Just in case things get desperate in the office.

14th over: NZ 78-2
Freddie goes too short, and Champagne Taylor leans back to slap him over midwicket for four. If you thought you saw New Zealand re-gain a wicket for a few overs there, apologies - I was thinking about my breakfast.

15th over: NZ 84-2
All sorts of chirpy motivational chat from Paul Nixon behind the stumps, none of which prevents Monty dropping short and Vincent cracking him through cover for a sweet four.

16th over: NZ 90-2
New Zealand continue to rattle along without really taking too many risks - another casually classy drive from Taylor of Flintoff brings up four, and a little push to leg earns two more. Should only have been one there, but Dalrymple and Joyce moved like men in a dream. Or nightmare.

19th over: NZ 99-2
Taylor waits nicely for a tossed-up one from Monty and drives him through mid on for four more. Chirp chirp chirp goes Nixon, much like a sparrow on caffeine.


21st over: NZ 107-2
Nice from Monty - another maiden, and Taylor gets lucky when umpire Steve Davis refuses to refer a possible stumping to the man upstairs. By which I mean the third umpire, not God.

22nd over: NZ 116-2
Hold on to your seats - Jamie Dalrymple's having a twirl. Vincent pops a single to leg, the next ball turns down leg for a wide and then Taylor cracks one through square for four to move on to 35. Nixon watches with his cave-like mouth wide open.

From Barry Harwood, TMS inbox: "How do you get the sparrow to take the caffeine? Presumably they can?t drink it through a straw."

26th over: NZ 139-2
And it's the same again off Collingwood - five runs nicked, and the run rate stays above five. Barry H - I'll get on Google and see what comes up for "sparrow", "caffeine" and "straw".

From Greg Palmer in Sydney, TMS inbox: "I have found that sparrows will best take caffeine in pellet form by crushing up Pro-Plus."

30th over: NZ 166-2
This is too easy. Vincent pops Colly over the in-field twice for simple twos - but then again my mum could probably pop twos off this bowling. And she hasn't batted since playing French cricket on Tenby beach in late summer 1984.

From John Gamgee, TMS inbox: "I've just put sparrow + caffeine + straw into my Google search and come up with the following: 'Straw man fallacy at Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster'."
Maybe flying spaghetti monsters could be the answer to dwindling church attendances, John.

36th over: NZ 202-3
Better from Freddie - just a tickle to leg and a leg bye.

Re Jim's notion about a date with a Boon lookalikey woman, how attractive would a girl have to be in every other respect for you to go out with her if she had a Boonesque moustache? To clarify, she'd be perfect in every single way - model looks, joyous personality, massive sports fan - except she'd have a big, bushy 'tache. Which she'd refuse to shave off.

From Steve Barlow in Perth, TMS inbox: "Even if the girl looks like a caffeine-addled sparrow, I would suggest it is better than watching this miserable lot."

42nd over: NZ 232-5
Seven off Monty's over as Tremlett makes a pig's ear out of fielding McCullum's sweep at fine leg. Not quite sure why a pig's ear is so much worse than the ear of any other farmyard animal, but there you go.

43rd over: NZ 237-5
Interesting tactics from Plunkett - he decides to confuses Oram by bolwing every delivery imaginable. The wide one is called a, er, wide, the full toss gets popped off for two and the short long hop goes for two more.

45th over: NZ 253-6
James Franklin chances his arm against Plunkett and gets away with a mis-hit over Tremlett at mid off. Oram, who's in relaxed mood today, chips another mis-hit towards Dalrymple at midwicket, only for the prosaic trundler to mis-judge it completely and fail to get anywhere close to the catch.

46th over: NZ 263-6
I don't mean to lose my temper - but why is Dalrymple in the England side? On a pitch offering huge turn, he decides to fire the ball in at Oram, is bashed high over mid on for six and then concedes easy singles. Ten off the over; 43 off his five overs. Harumph.

47th over: NZ 270-7
Fun-Time Franklin jousts at Tremlett and lobs it high and straight to Plunkett at mid off. He's gone for nine, and England's mini-fightback splutters along. Mini mini-fightback.

48th over: NZ 280-7
Vettori, lip bristling with his hairy new appendage, pushes Flintoff to third man and watches happily as Tremlett trundles round the ropes with the speed of a sleeping Ashley Giles and fails to cut it off. That should have been a two, max. Lordy. Flintoff kicks the ground. In a rare success for England, he doesn't miss it.

49th over: NZ 302-7
That crashing sound you just heard was the wheels coming off England's listing wagon again. Oram eyes up Tremlett and goes four, six, four, six off the first four balls, hitting straight and over midwicket with easy glee. A mere two more off the final two balls and it's 22 off the over, and Tremlett's 10 overs have cost 72 runs. Sigh.

50th over: NZ 318-7
Sweet Jehovah Brown - Oram mashes into Flintoff, carting him for a straight six, a lofted two, a four over cover and another steepling two. That's his 50 - off just 32 balls. 38 runs off the last two overs. Honestly. Still, let's look on the bright side - the torture is now over for at least half an hour. I'm going to the BBC canteen for a slice of their infamous porridge - after what I've just witnessed, even that tepid stodgefest will come as blessed relief.

From Robert D. Taylor, TMS inbox: "As a Scot, I find the comments about porridge hard to swallow." Robert - as an Englishman, I just found the BBC porridge hard to swallow. I've eaten tastier gravel.

2nd over: Eng 12-0
Anything Oram can do, Mal Loye probably can't do, to be fair. But he has a go, swinging Shane Bond high over midwicket for a massive six. I wouldn't worry, NZ - it won't last.

3rd over: Eng 12-0
Told you. Franklin comes in to Joyce and ties him down for the first maiden of the innings. What do we reckon for an England total here - 160? Estimates in the BBC Sport office range from 120 all out to 170-8, with Dalrymple 36 not out off 91 balls. With two fours.

6th over: Eng 28-1
In comes Ian Bell. Joyce plays out four dotters and then takes the strike with a single. Up on the England balcony, Freddie's tucking into a large ice-cream cone. Paul Nixon's plumped for the sort of round mini-tub you might get at the theatre. Not sure on the respective flavours.

36th over: WICKET - Eng 162-6
Now it's Flintoff's turn to lamely surrender, missing one from Vettori on middle and leg and turning round to see his bails bouncing. 13 off 22 from England's skipper, and the end is just around the corner. Vettori's taken 2-21 off eight overs. I'll understand if you want to leave now.

49th over: Eng 252-7
67 needed off the last over. Do stick around.

50th over: WICKET - Eng 260-8 - England lose by 58 runs
Nixon, on 49 not out with one ball left, goes big, only to fall to a brilliant tumbling catch from Oram in the deep. It's a fitting end to another thrashing. I couldn't be happier that I got up at 3.30am this morning to watch this match - one of the wisest decisions a man could ever make. Hope you had a fine time too - enjoy the rest of your day... </i>